<转帖>中英文对照笑话

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第一次與最後一次 　　喬治35歲時買了架小型飛機，並開始學習駕駛。不久，他就能很嫻熟地駕機做各種各樣的特技飛行了。 　　喬治有個朋友名叫馬克。一天，喬治主動邀請馬克乘他的飛機上天兜一圈。馬克心想，「我乘大客機飛行過好幾次，還從來沒有乘過小飛機，我不妨試一試。」 　　升空後，喬治飛了有半個小時，在空中做了各種各樣的飛行特技。 　　後來他們著陸了。馬克很高興能夠安全返回地面。他用顫抖的聲音對他的朋友說：「喬治，非常感謝你讓我乘小飛機做了兩次飛行。」 　　喬治非常吃驚地問：「兩次飛行？」 　　「是的，我的第一次和最後一次。」馬克答道。

[size=+1]My First and My Last When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks. George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go." They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air. When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane." Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?" "Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark.

想每天加一个，看我能坚持几天，

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第一次坐飛機 　　約翰遜先生從前未乘過飛機，他讀過許多關于飛行事故的報道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀請他乘自己的小飛機飛行時，約翰遜先生非常擔心，不敢接受。不過，由於朋友不斷保證說飛行是很安全的，約翰遜先生終於被說服了，登上了飛機。 　　他的朋友啟動引擎開始在機場跑道上滑行。約翰遜先生聽說飛行中最危險的是起飛與降落，所以他嚇得緊閉雙眼。 　　過了一兩分鐘，他睜開雙眼朝窗外望去，接著對朋友說道：「看下面那些人，他們看起來就像螞蟻一樣小，是不是？」 　　「那些就是螞蟻，」他的朋友答道，「我們還在地面上。」

First Flight Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane. His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes. After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?" "Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."

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釘子還是蒼蠅？ 　　一位視力正在衰退的老紳士住進了一家旅館的客房。他雙手各拿一瓶酒。在牆上有只蒼蠅，他誤以為是枚釘子。他把兩只瓶子朝上一掛，瓶子掉下來摔碎了，酒灑了一地。一個女服務員發現發生的事情以後，對他深表同情，決定幫他個忙。 　　於是，第二天早上他到樓頂花園散步時，她把一枚釘子釘在了蒼蠅停過的地方。 　　這裡，老人回到了房裡。倒灑的酒味讓他想起了那件事。他抬頭往牆上一看，蒼蠅又停在了那兒!他輕手輕腳地走近，使盡全力拍了一掌。聽到一聲大叫，好心的女服務員衝進房來。讓她大為吃驚的是，可憐的老頭正坐在地板上，牙關緊咬，右手滴血不止。

[size=+1]A Nail Or A Fly? An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour. So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed. Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!

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新發現 　　一個鄉下人第一次到大城市遊逛。他走進一座大樓，看見一個歲數很大的矮胖女人邁進一個小房間。房間的門隨後關上，有幾個燈在閃亮。一會兒，門開了，電梯裡走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。 　　鄉下人驚奇地眨著眼睛，慢吞吞地說：「我應該把我的老婆帶來!」

[size=+1]New Discovery A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator. Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!"

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一個壞印象 　　有六個人搭乘火車旅行，坐在同一車箱內。其中五個很安靜，也很規矩。但第六個是個粗魯的年輕人，給其他乘客招惹了許多麻煩。 　　最後，這位年輕人在一個車站帶著兩個沉重的皮箱下了車。沒有一個旅客幫他的忙。有個人一直等到這位粗魯的年輕人走得很遠了，才打開窗戶，對著他大聲喊：「你把東西留在車廂裡了!」然後，又把窗戶關了起來。 　　年輕人轉過身子，拎著兩個沉甸甸的皮箱，匆匆趕了回來。他轉回來時，顯得非常疲倦，對著窗戶大聲喊：「我把什麼東西留在車上了？」 　　當火車再次啟動時，叫他回來的旅客打開窗戶說：「一個極壞的印象!」

[size=+1]A Bad Impression Six people were travelling in a compartment on a train. Five of them were quiet and well behaved, but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers. At last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. None of the other passengers helped him, but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away and then opened the window and shouted to him, "You left something behind in the compartment!" Then he closed the window again. The young man truned around and hurried back with his two bags. He was very tired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, "What did I leave behind?" As the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened the window and said, "A very bad impression!"

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安眠藥 　　鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫生，醫生給他開了一些強力安眠藥。 　　星期天晚上鮑勃吃了藥，睡得很好，在鬧鐘響之前就醒了過來。他到了辦公室，遛達進去，對老闆說：「我今天早上起床一點麻煩都沒有。」 　　「好啊!」老闆吼道，「那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了？」

Sleeping Pills Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning." "That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"

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創造性 　　第一次求職時，我意識到在列舉我所具備的為數不多的條件時，得有點創造性。當問及我是否受過其它的培訓時，我老實地回答說我花了三年時間學計算機程序設計課。我得到了那份工作。 　　我沒有提到那門功課我重複學了三年才考及格。

Creative Applying for my first job, I realized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications. Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes. I got the job. I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed.

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催　單 　　我是一家獸醫站的技師。當動物到了該注射疫苗的時候，我們就寄出催單。一條德國物質牧羊犬布魯諾來做每年一次的狂犬疫苗注射。我們依照州法律的要求詢問他的主人，在過去的十天裡布魯諾是否咬了什麼人。「噢，是的。事實上這正是我們到這兒來的原因，」她回答說。我覺得奇怪，告訴她我們以為他們是因為收到了我們的催單才來的。 　　「的確如此，」她解釋道。「布魯諾咬了給你們送催單的郵遞員。」

Reminder In the veterinary office where I'm a technician, we mail out reminders when pets are due for vaccinations. Bruno, a German shepherd, arrived for his annual rabies shot, and we were required by state law to ask his owner if Bruno had bitten anyone in the last ten days. "Oh yes, in fact that's why we're here," she replied. Surprised, I told her we assumed they'd come in because of our reminder. "We did," she explained. "Bruno bit the mail carrier who was delivering your card."

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你是怎樣來的？ 　　一個冬天的早晨，一名僱員解釋他為什麼遲到了四十五分鐘才起來上班。「外面太滑了，我每向前邁一步，就要向後退兩步。」 　　老闆狐疑地看著他。「噢，是嗎？那你是怎樣到這裡來的？」 　　「後來我決定放棄，」他說，「然後我就往家裡走。」

How Did You Ever Get Here One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two." The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?" "I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

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三個外科醫生 　　三個有名的外科醫生正在吹噓他們的技術。「一個人斷了一隻手，他來找我，」一個說，「如今那個人是個音樂會的小提琴手。」 　　「這算不了什麼，」另一個說。「一個傢伙兩條腿斷了，他來找我，我將它們接了回去。如今，那人是馬拉松選手。」 　　「我比你們兩個都強，」第三個說，「一天，我碰到一起可怕的車禍。除了一個馬屁股，和一幅眼睛，什麼都沒有留下。如今，那人坐在美國參議院裡。」

Three Surgeons Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist." "That's nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner." "I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate."

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一面之辭 　　一位法官問我們這群修補陪審員是否有人應當免權。一個人舉起了手。 　　「我的左耳聽不見。」那人告訴法官。 　　「你的右邊耳朵聽得見嗎？」法官問道。那人點了點頭。 　　「你將被允許加入陪審團，」法官宣佈。「我們每次只聽一面之辭。」

One Side of the Case A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand. "I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge. "Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head. "You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."

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走私犯 　　一個形跡可疑的人開車來到邊境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在檢查汽車行李箱時，驚奇地發現了六個接縫處鼓得緊繃繃的大口袋。 　　「裡面裝的是什麼？」他問道。 　　「土。」司機回答。 　　「把袋子拿出來」，哨兵命令道：「我要檢查。」 　　那人順從地把口袋搬了出來。確實，口袋裡除了土以外，別無他特。哨兵很不情願地讓他通過了。 　　一週後，那人又來了，哨兵再次檢查汽車上的行李箱。 　　「這次袋子裡裝的是什麼？」他問道。 　　「土，又運了一些土。」那人回答。 　　哨兵不相信，對那些袋子又進行了檢查，結果發現，除了土以外，仍舊一無所獲。 　　同樣的事情每週重演一次，一共持續了六個月。最後，哨兵被弄得灰心喪氣，乾脆辭職去當了酒吧侍者。有天夜裡，那個形跡可疑的人碰巧途經酒吧，下車喝酒。那位從前的哨兵急忙迎上前去對他說，「我說，老兄，你要是能幫我一個忙，今晚的酒就歸我請客。你能不能告訴我，那段時間你到底在走私什麼東西？」 　　那人俯身過來，湊近侍者的耳朵，裂開嘴笑嘻嘻地說：「汽車。」

A Smugglar The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams. "What's in here?" he asked. "Dirt," the driver replied. "Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them." Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go. A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck. "What's in the bags this time?" he asked. "Dirt, more dirt." said the man. Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil. The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time." Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."

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採購過早 　　那天是聖誕節，法官在審訊犯人時也有點惻隱之心。「你為什麼而被起訴？」他問。 　　「採購聖誕節物品過早。」被告答。 　　「這不算犯法，」法官回答，「你購物多早？」 　　在商店開門之前，「犯人應道。

[size=+1]Early Shopper It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

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三聲口哨 　　我答應過我的女朋友過生日進送她一條金項鍊。可是當珠寶商報出我們看中的那條項鍊的價格時，我低低地打了個長口哨。「那這條項鍊多少錢呢？」我指著另一個盤子裡的項鍊問。 　　「先生，對你來說，」珠寶商答道，「大約值三聲口哨。」

[size=+1]Three Whistles I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle. "And how much are they then?" I asked, pointing to another tray. "You, sir," replied the jeweler, "about three whistles."

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優缺點 　　「這幢房子，」房地產推銷商說，「既有優點也有缺點。為了說明我是誠實的，我將告訴你們它的缺點 - 往南面一個街區是一家化工廠，往北面一個街區是一家屠宰場。」 　　「那麼它的長處呢？」預備購買房子的人問道。 　　「它的好處，」代理商說道，「就是，你總能分清風是從哪邊吹過來的。」

[size=+1]Good Points and Bad Points "This house," said the real-estate salesman, "has both its good points and bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm goint to tell you about the disadvantage - there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The good thing about it," said the agent, "is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."